Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
