Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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