WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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