he shaved USA in his pubs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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