Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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