I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
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THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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