I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
