i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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