Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
