The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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