It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
