I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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