we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
