You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
