Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
