The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
