I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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