I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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