Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
