Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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