I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
