Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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