I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he shaved USA in his pubs
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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