My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
