i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
