I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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