Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
