I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I supernannyed him into submission
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
