My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
