Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
