What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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