I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
