i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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