VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
