I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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