Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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