I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
