and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
