my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
