who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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