dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
