Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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