is your mom at the bar?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
