Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
