You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
