Where did you get a picture of my penis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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