Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
