we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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