She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
