I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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