i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
