Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my shit smells like andre
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
