i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
