Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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