My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
