Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
