Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
