I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
