if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
