I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
