I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
